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I firmly believe that the “terrible two” phenomenon begins at 18 months.
So for the past few months, my nearly two-year-old has been a handful. She gets frustrated at the drop of a hat, probably because she can think faster than she can speak. I can see her little face contort in frustration when she wants to say something but doesn’t know how. And within 5 seconds, we have a spectacular melt down on our hands.
This happens several times per day. And each time, I try to parent her through it without mirroring back to her the frustration that I feel. (I fail often. Because it’s exhausting to have a toddler who screams all the time.)
When she gets frustrated, I try to remember how difficult it is to learn a new language. I try to remember how infuriating it is to use that language, only to have the people around you not understand what you are saying. Or worse, to have those people get frustrated with you for not saying it right.
This ain’t high school French I’m talking about. I imagine it’s more like going to Nepal with 20 Nepali words under your belt. Now imagine using ONLY those 20 words to get yourself fed, sheltered, transported, protected, and entertained. Not so easy.
You’d have melt downs too, right?
But all of this lovely perspective is so easy to forget when your toddler is screaming and kicking in the middle of a grocery aisle. A comment on my Lava Cake post earlier this week reminded me that this stage is tough for all moms and kids in the throes of the terrible twos.
When she is kicking and screaming in frustration, I want to insist that Pumpkin use her words. I want to repeat a word over and over, thinking she’ll say it if I just repeat it enough. (Ha!) I want to throw my hands up in frustration. After all, when Pumpkin’s older sister (Peanut) was 20 months old, she turned to me one day and said, “Mommy, I’m angry and I need my space.” So why is Pumpkin REFUSING to speak??
I was reminded yesterday by our pediatrician that there’s nothing wrong with Pumpkin’s speech. Or her frustration about her speech. In fact, it was Peanut who was abnormal in her speaking abilities at this age. The doctor, in effect, told me to give Pumpkin a break. To stop worrying. Because she’s doing fine.
It occurred to me later that perhaps it’s MY frustration that needs work. Perhaps Pumpkin needs time and space to be frustrated. And I need to give it to her.
After all – when I was in Nepal, no one put me in time out when I got frustrated trying to speak the language. No one tapped their foot in impatience as I tried to form the words “thank you” in Nepalese. You know what the locals did? They gave me time to get my thoughts and words together. They smiled at me. And waited.
I love the Nepalese.
And I love this kid…
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Beautiful metaphor! She’s such a cutie… and what an appropriate shirt for this post ; )
I don’t know how it’s possible, but I totally missed the irony of the shirt!!
I’m sorry, did you inadvertently write about my life today? Holy cow, nailed it on the head. A and Peanut have ALOT in common as do E and Pumpkin. Crazy. When we took E for her 15 month, the doc was telling me over and over that he is not worried about her speech (neither am I – undergrad SLP degree… she is a mover not a talker, gross motor vs. fine motor… blah blah blah. is all I kept saying and he looked at me like I had three eyes because I WASN’T freaking out like some moms) Besides, if your house is anything like mine… the older has a tendency to speak for the younger… even after begging and pleading for her to stop. E will now actually look at A as if she is a mind reader to respond to a question that I have asked E. Crazy. P.S. need I remind you of the 3′s??? This will look like a piece of cake in a year!
OMG the THREES! I’d almost forgotten about the “I don’t love you anymore” and the “You’re a mean mommy” gems. Good times.
Unfortunately, this phase lasts until they are eighteen. Kidding!
With my girls, I wouldn’t be surprised. ; )
Have you tried sign language with Pumpkin? It was a major sanity saver in my household (especially with E2B) because it was a great stop gap between the time that my littles ones knew what they wanted but couldn’t say it and the time that they were able to verbalize what they needed. We just used signs for things like food, drink, help, etc. Hang tough, my friend…you’re doing great!
Pumpkin has as many signs as words, which works out GREAT for us. The problem starts when I start insisting she use the words INSTEAD of the signs. Not so good.
She’s such a doll. I was going to tell you all about sign language as well, but it seems you’ve already tackled that one. My best friend’s little boy uses his signs brilliantly, and he’s about Peanut’s age. But he still gets frustrated when there’s something he wants/needs and he doesn’t have the language for it. She’ll learn, it will just take time. And patience.
Do you know where they sell patience? Does apple have an app for that yet? No? Patent-pending.
Solidarity, sister! Mine is 20 months and it’s just dreadful. We have at least three tantrums a day…and she’s in daycare for most of it! She’s a charmer at daycare, she never cries, she’s so great.
Then we come home and it’s tantrum city. Constantly.
I know our pediatrician said it’s a good thing, that she feels comfortable with us to let loose with her real emotions.
Sometimes I wish she was less comfy with me.
I *finally* figured out this one on my own without the help of my pediatrician. My girl E went to a new school for the summer camp before Kindergarten and ran into her first bully. After being a joyful, playful kid (except when hungry) she’d have a melt down every day I picked her up. In the car, so I couldn’t even comfort her physically because I was driving. Made the ride home really, really long….
Never did it with her Dad, only with me. I had the same thought – sometimes I wish she was less comfy with me…
I can’t even imagine how hard the bullying thing is. I’m dreading ever having to deal with it. But I’m glad that your daughter had a safe place to work through it (with you!).
Both of my girls did the same thing at that age. (Pumpkin still does.) I guess the silver lining is that it’s US they feel the most comfy with, not the daycare people. It’s little consolation when you have a screaming toddler while trying to make dinner tho, I agree.
OMG! How can you not love her! She’s so darn cute!
I’m sure it’s frustrating for her. That’s such a tough age. When they have a personality, opinion, and so forth, yet can’t get the words out.
I can’t even imagine how frustrating it is…. and I need constant reminders so I stay patient!
First off, I am FLATTERED that I inspired a post. wahoo! Yes, W is now 19 months and it is as if we have a new kid. Where did my incredibly social, happy, joyful adaptable and easygoing little boy go? He’s still in there, but he has added whining, tantrums, screaming, and separation anxiety to the mix. My worst trait is impatience and dealing with this full-time, every day is killing me. When it took me 20 minutes to get him in his car seat leaving the mall the other day, I burst into tears at minute 17–it startled him and I saw my opportunity and strapped him in…but do I have to do that every time I ask??? Misery loves company and I am so relieved to see that it isn’t just my munchkin and me going through this. Today was like the roller coaster all over again, but then right when he was going to bed he leaned his forehead to rub up against mine and cooed and gave me a wet kiss. sigh. and so, I am willing to go another round tomorrow!
You are now, officially, a muse. You can add it to your resume. Ha.
I used to think separation anxiety was the WORST. Then I met a couple kids with attachment disorder. Trust me, I’ll take separation anxiety any day!
Those wet, sloppy kisses make everything better, don’t they?!?!