Overwhelmed

It’s a quiet Friday night and both girls are in bed.  The house is still. My only company is my sleeping husband on the couch next to me, the faint static of the monitor, and the rhythmic clicking of the overhead ceiling fan.

It’s quiet moments like these that I wish for, long for, dream about.  And yet this night I can’t sit still. I want to fill the silence with twitter or email or Gray’s Anatomy.

But why?  The stillness is so peaceful.  And so rare.

The thing about silence and stillness is that it makes me reflective.  And even though reflection is good and productive, it’s not what I want to be doing.

The truth is that my life isn’t comfortable right now.  If we could see inside my brain these days, it might look something like this:

 

My poor, overworked brain.

 

I know I wrote recently about slowing down during this period of transition.  I vowed to downshift so that I could be present and keep my focus on what matters.

But what happens when you downshift and life is still overwhelming?

It’s so tempting to hide behind books and computer screens and twitter handles.  It’s so easy to think that keeping my google reader empty is way more important than enjoying a quiet moment.

Because the quiet moments aren’t enjoyable.  It’s in the stillness that the overwhelm catches up with me.  It’s during the silence that I start to feel.  I feel sad that I get little time to see Pumpkin in the mornings as I rush out to work.  I feel worried and sad and bewildered that I have to coax Peanut into her outfit each morning and hear, through her tears, that she doesn’t want to go to Kindergarten.

I know that the only way out is through.

But I don’t really want to feel this stuff.  This powerlessness.  This worry.  This is not the through I had in mind, thankyouverymuch.

I force myself to sit still in the quiet and I write my thoughts down.  Unedited.  The writing is the release.  It bears witness to the process.  To the progress.  To the hope that I won’t feel like this forever.  It’s the writing that is my through.

And then, just like that, the overwhelmed moment is over.  A deep breath finds me.  And my quiet Friday night marches on with a little less weight and a little more peace.

 

I’m linking up with:

Mommy of Two Little Monkeys and

 

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